Okay, the guilt is back big time today. I had painted the living room and was getting ahead with my book reading for the next review I need to do, and the guilt has now hit me like a sack in the face.
We got our grades for the literature review is we did back and I got an A grade. I feel absolutely horrendous because it was one of only three in the class of 20 the got the top marks. And I cheated, all I did was order the book review online and then I edited it a bit and then handed in.
So I have succeeded through cheating and I feel so horrible today that I just want to drink, eat and hide and cry. That is horrible and it’s a horrible feeling. I’m not a bad person but things have been getting so bad recently emotionally that I am struggling quite a lot.
But I have to try and be positive and I’m hoping that writing in my blog here will help me to turn things around in my head. By confessing here and admitting things I’m hoping I can now draw a line under this and move on.
The next literature review I have to do will be completely my own work and I will not be tempted to cheat by ordering a literature review on the Internet. It will not happen and I intend to make sure I pass this course with my own work from now on.
On a brighter note, the living room is done and it looks absolutely great, and this weekend I’m going to move on to doing my bedroom, I think that might help, just cheering the place up and making things a little bit brighter could help my mood.
Right, back to the book reading and positivity. I feel horrendous but I’ve got to put its the back of my mind and move on, because the alternative is to sink and I don’t intend doing that today.
I’ve been sitting around the place reading today. I’m determined I’m not going to have to buy a literature review for the next book I read.
To recap, I had to buy book review writing from a website because I didn’t have time to read the book I’m doing for my English course, and so I had to buy a literature review, edit it a bit and then hand it in as coursework. I felt horrendous about it and I don’t intend doing it again.
So I’m trying to get ahead by reading the book we have to read next early so I have plenty of time.
While I was sitting there I started to look around the place and realised it’s really getting quite grubby and horrible. So I decided it was time to get to grips with some painting and decorating.
My plan is that tomorrow I’m going to start with the living room. I’m going to move everything into the centre of the room, and then I’m going to get tarpaulins, you can buy cheap plastic ones from DIY shops, and I’m going to cover the furniture on the floor with them.
Then I’m going to mask off everything that needs masking off, prep up the walls and woodwork, and then get the ceiling painted.
Then the day after tomorrow I’m going to get the walls and the wood work done as well. So I should in two days have the living room done, and in between that I can continue reading my book. So I’m feeling quite positive today, where I had been feeling horrendous and low for days.
Perhaps this is a fresh start and perhaps I can push forward from here and maybe move on with my life a little bit faster. Things haven’t been good recently and I have at least spotted that I am spiralling downwards emotionally and physically, and that cheating with my literature review shows I’m heading in totally the wrong direction, so at least I have stopped the rot and can now try and address my problems.
I’m so glad this is an anonymous blog because I would not be able to live with myself or with my friends and family if they were reading what I’m about to write.
The other day I ordered a book review online. I’m reading a book for my English literature course and I couldn’t do a review properly, I have not been able to concentrate enough to finish the book and I tried to write review and it was horrendous. In order to retrieve my grade I decided to buy a literature review from a website, I supplied the details and they have written the review for me.
And this evening at my course I submitted the book review to my tutor. I felt mortified and I’m sure I blushed, and I felt like a fraud and a cheat. It was absolutely horrendous, but I felt it was the only course of action other than failure and not getting a grade at all.
Anyway, I’m trying to move on from that now by writing this blog post. I’m hoping that by confessing here in my blog basically to myself and to any strangers reading it, I know that’s not great, but what else can I do, that I will get some closure on this.
I think I’m just going to tell myself that tomorrow morning I’m going to move on and start again. I’m going to have a good day tomorrow and I’m going to continue reading the book over the next few days so that I have actually read it and understand it against the review I’ve written.
I then have to make sure I don’t need to order book review writing for the next book, I have to get myself together read the literature and make sure that I get to grips with this course, otherwise is actually no point in doing it if I’m just going to cheat.
So that’s my confession and although I have a irrational fear of being found out by my tutor, I don’t think that’s going to happen, so I just got to make sure I put this down to experience now and move on quickly.
Things haven’t been great for me over the past couple of years. My mental health has not been great and my physical health has been deteriorating as well. It’s not being an amazing time for me and unfortunately it has spiralled downwards.
So this blog post is me drawing a line in the sand and sorting myself out. I’m going to start setting myself some proper goals on weight, diet and exercise. It’s got ridiculous how I am with my life and it’s time to turn things round for good.
I started my higher education course in English literature because I wanted to better myself, but if I’m dragging myself down emotionally all the time, and I’m physically unfit and getting fat, then I’m not going to benefit from that education because I’m not able to.
I’m also being dragged down a bit at the minute by the fact that I have been online to buy a literature review for the book I’m reading. That’s the confession I made in a previous blog post and I’m now confessing that I have bought a literature review. I’m really embarrassed about it but unfortunately I felt I had no option when I’m struggling so badly with it.
Book review writing should be bread-and-butter to me, but I’m in such an emotionally bad place at the minute, and struggling in all ways, that things are tough for me. I know that probably sounds silly to a lot of people but I think everybody’s mental health is very personal and unfortunately people with mental health problems can’t see that they have them, or they are in denial about them, or they don’t think they are as bad as they are, or they think they can control them. Unfortunately people looking in from the outside can see very different picture and can often see the car crash before it’s going to happen but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped or cannot see.
And I’ve been in that position, and it’s only recently that I have started to open my eyes the problems I have. And that crushed me a bit, and I have struggled to concentrate on reading the book but I need to for my English course which has meant that I have had to get my book review written for me in order to stay on track for the course. If I didn’t do that I think I would be crushed even more.
I have just started a higher education course in English literature. I’m doing it two evenings a week and it’s going to take up the next two years of my life.
I’m having to do it on top of working full-time and I’m already finding it a bit of a struggle if I’m honest. Unfortunately I have always cut corners in my life and this is no exception.
I’ve been looking for an easy way out because I have to write several reviews of the books I am reading. And I’ve already clocked the fact that you can buy a literature review online for a small amount of money.
Now I’m pretty sure I can do book review writing, but at this moment in time I need some examples so that I can help myself to get quicker and better at it with less effort. So what I’m going to do just between you and me is I am going to buy a book review online for the first book I am reading. I have just about finished reading it, but I’m going to order a review and then see how it matches to how I would have tackled the review.
I’m hoping that it will improve my book review writing and will also allow me to hand something in before the deadline. Unfortunately I’ve been really busy at work and I don’t think I can, and I don’t want to fall behind at this early stage.
Now I know that all this sounds very weak and you are probably thinking that the sort of person who would buy a literature review is just a lazy cheat. And actually you would be completely right. But that’s only the surface, and underneath it’s a very much more complex situation the complex personality.
Anyway, that’s my confession for today, I can’t be confessing all the time. There is life to be getting on with and I do have to go to work in the morning so I need to get my head straight. I do want to pass this literature course but it’s really not going to be allowed to define my life.
I have to say it’s taken an hour to work out how to work everything on this blog site, but I have worked it out now.
And I have to admit I’m not particularly sure what topics I’m meant to blog about, or what I want to blog about at this minute in time. I think generally I’m going to talk about my career aspirations and my life, and also the further education course on doing at the minute as well. It’s an English literature higher education course which I’m doing in the evenings.
So life is quite busy for me at the moment. I’m juggling a full-time job, a higher education course which is two evenings a week plus additional coursework, and having some sort of social life. All that adds up to being a bit of a problem at times.
I guess I’m writing this blog because I want to have an outlet for my feelings. It’s very difficult at times with so much going on to just stop and think about how I am feeling and look at the best course of action in some situations. I’m quite muddled about a few things at the moment and I’m worried I might make a bad decision and I’m hoping that blogging about this will help me to clarify my thinking on some things.
I will talk about some of those things in a future blog post, but for the moment it’s just a case of deciding what I want to get out of blogging. I’m not here to entertain anyone, or write something that people will rely on for years to come, I’m not here to make people laugh, I’m just here to talk about myself. I’m pretty convinced that nobody will want to read about me, and I can’t blame them, but then I have to say that’s not the reason I’m writing a blog, I’m writing it because I want to help clarify my thoughts, I’m just not sure how I’m going to do that just yet.